As we first began to notice that we were attracted to men, many of us had to hide that desire from everyone in our outside worlds. We lived in secret compartments and acted underneath a hush of deep fear. Coming out of the closet, no matter how easy or difficult, occurs in stages, layers, like breath. So much of our formative sexual experiences were secrets, stealing little pieces of our truths whenever we could scavenge them, and hoarding them within our private minds, we suffered under the weight of shame.
We got really good at being sneaky—casting a stealthy sideways glance in a locker room or sauna, spying on our brothers or friends, interpreting silent “welcome” signals in public restrooms, covering our tracks, often longing for connection amidst a teeming social network that could not celebrate our truths with us. When we live in the closet, we learn to keep our desires hidden, sometimes even from our own selves. We might have sculpted a sexual appetite for anonymity, for games that express how it felt to spy and keep secrets.
Owning our desires to be secretive and practicing them in a healing way can really turn us on and result in explosively hot sex. It can be so exciting to imagine our boyfriends getting fucked by other men. We may fantasize about being cheated on. We might enjoy the shock of our partners’ secret longings. Cuckold fantasies and scenes are increasingly circulating in queer communities. As, together, we heal and open, we claim pleasure in celebrating the individual and collective paths we have taken in order to come out into the open.
Since we have always been on the margins of culture, as a whole, we are also expressive our sexual shadows in dynamic ways! It’s fun to spy! This scene can be a really fun role play with boyfriends, fuck buddies, partners, or even in the privacy of your own minds as we self-pleasure! When we consciously engage with these parts of ourselves and our personal stories, we can have fun in a way that respects the boundaries and wishes of everyone involved.
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